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A diamond may be a girl’s best friend, yet it can’t tell you the right thing to do. But I can.
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Keep it.
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Engagement rings are strange little things, aren’t they? They’re gifts, status symbols, sometimes family heirlooms or a large financial asset — all sitting on one finger. We attach love, tradition and “forever” to them. That is, until forever gets cancelled.
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The fact that everyone has a different opinion should reassure you there isn’t a universally accepted rule for what happens to an engagement ring after a mutually agreed-upon breakup.
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I hate to break it to you, and everyone around you, but there isn’t an award for Most Gracious Ex-Fiancée. I checked. Returning it doesn’t make you kinder or classier. Keeping it doesn’t make you greedy or vindictive. You don’t get relationship karma points for returning an engagement ring. You won’t even get a Thank You card.
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The issue isn’t the ring. Women are far more likely to torture themselves over whether they deserve to keep something that was freely given. Note the word “freely.” Yes, I know, this is a sweeping generalization. But I’ve kept two engagement rings, so I think I’ve earned an opinion.
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How many men spend sleepless nights spiraling over whether they’re morally obligated to return a gift after a breakup or whether keeping it makes them the bigger person?
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The ring is symbolic to you. It isn’t a downpayment on a marriage. It’s a physical reminder of a relationship that mattered, even if that relationship doesn’t last forever.
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As you pointed out, engagement rings are no longer always chosen by one nervous man alone in a jewelry store. Many couples choose them together. If you helped pick the diamond, approved the setting and effectively designed it, that’s another reason it was intended specifically for you.
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The right thing to do, aside from keeping it, is to stop looking at the ring as a possession to be kept, returned, divided or thrown into the ocean or toilet.
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Look at what it represents to you. You spent five years together. Five! We keep souvenirs from vacations that last a week. Not every love story needs to make it to the altar to be a love story.
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It doesn’t sound like this ring is his grandmother’s heirloom, passed down through his family for generations. If it were, I’d probably have a different answer.
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Ask him why he wants it back. Is it about money, principle, closure or simply because he believes that’s what should happen? And tell him the truth: You’re emotionally attached to it, and returning it feels like erasing the relationship, one that wasn’t a mistake because the marriage part didn’t happen.
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Put it away for now. Give yourself some time. A year from now you may wear it, return it, sell it, redesign it or leave it sitting in a drawer. But make that decision when the ring no longer feels emotionally loaded.
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And definitely don’t give it back because you’ve been convinced that’s what a “bigger” person would do.
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If your ex can accept that you aren’t getting married, I think he’ll eventually accept that the diamond isn’t coming back either.
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Love Rebecca
Rebecca Eckler is an internationally bestselling author, founder of re:books publishing, Rivkah Books, and co-founder of CANREADS. She’s a professional oversharer and observer of human behaviour, and has spent decades writing about life’s messy twists. She has no formal qualifications for this, other than a lifetime of questionable decisions and excellent stories.
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Have a question for Rebecca? Email NPadvice@postmedia.com or send your question anonymously by clicking here.
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